We have wished since we were children for the right man to come along and sweep us off of our feet. As we grew up and started dating, we became more jaded, and began to realize that no one is perfect, and that you may have to settle for someone who didn't come riding up in shinning armor. Despite our calm reasoning, we still have (mostly from cliche movies) an image of what the right man will be like. What we rarely think about, is what he might want instead.
Our Prince will be charming, funny, caring, compassionate, rich, want children, and be handsome to boot. This beacon of perfection in a sea of wretched ingrates will come after you, and woo you and make you his own. But what is he looking for in a girl? The world of doctors, lawyers, and business men want wives who will look good on his arm and the office party. He wants someone who will be a good mother, and also have a education and a job of her own. If you don't fit this description, the likelihood of you finding someone like him becomes much slimmer.
This is not to say that you must give up all interesting aspects of your personality in order to become some sort of conventional man pleaser, but try to smooth out the rough edges a little bit. Tone down on the swearing, button up one more button on your shirt, and present yourself as a confident, well educated woman. This almost guaranties that men in a higher position will be more interested in you. This will take some practice, but it will pay off in the end. Even if you don't end up marrying the next king of Monaco, employers will look on you better, and you will find people treating you with more respect.
Emma
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
But he's taking so long!
In case you hadn't realized, men and women are very different. Fortunately, we compliment each other pretty well. This is the reason we work so well together. How can we tap into this for our benefit? Men are pursuers. They go after things with a drive that women rarely do. They focus on their careers, or hobbies, or relationships with a drive that women often do not understand. We multi-task and can juggle all of these things equally, and pride ourselves, quite rightly I might add, in our ability to do this. The point of this is to say that men want to chase after us. They want a little bit of a struggle before the "win" our hearts.
Before I go further, I must state that many men don't mind, and even like, being asked out by women. Just because they might like it, doesn't mean it is the right course of action. Everyone in life is looking to have burdens taken away from them, but it very rarely makes us happier or better people to be relieved of them. This is the way men feel about women asking them out. They are just as happy to not have to get up the nerve to say something and let you do it instead. This is not some archaic, patriarchal system which looks to repress women, it is the way we are designed to work. Now, I know that we as women are liberated and don't need to wait for a man to ask us out if we like him, and this is true, we don't have to wait, but your relationship will be better if he takes the initial lead.
On the flip side of this, we love to be pursued. It is true, no matter how much we like to deny it. There are probably women out there who don't but most of us would love to see a man bend over backwards to try to win us. If we are the first to engage in a relationship, he will see little reason to try to win you. So make him work a little bit. If he is interested, he will pursue you, it's what men do best.
Emma
Before I go further, I must state that many men don't mind, and even like, being asked out by women. Just because they might like it, doesn't mean it is the right course of action. Everyone in life is looking to have burdens taken away from them, but it very rarely makes us happier or better people to be relieved of them. This is the way men feel about women asking them out. They are just as happy to not have to get up the nerve to say something and let you do it instead. This is not some archaic, patriarchal system which looks to repress women, it is the way we are designed to work. Now, I know that we as women are liberated and don't need to wait for a man to ask us out if we like him, and this is true, we don't have to wait, but your relationship will be better if he takes the initial lead.
On the flip side of this, we love to be pursued. It is true, no matter how much we like to deny it. There are probably women out there who don't but most of us would love to see a man bend over backwards to try to win us. If we are the first to engage in a relationship, he will see little reason to try to win you. So make him work a little bit. If he is interested, he will pursue you, it's what men do best.
Emma
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Am I Talking Too Much?
There is a time and a place for everything. So where is the place for all of the questions you have for the people, specifically men, you meet? You certainly do not want to barrage prospective suitors with queries about religion, politics, and family values. How are you supposed to know all of the important things about a man before you start to date him? This is where I will begin to sound like a old-fashioned crone. Be his friend first. Keep the sticky, complicated and difficult things for after you know him better. Friendship is the best way to get to know someone on a basic level. You can find out if you are both passionate about skiing without having to worry if you and he will have a lifetime of trips to Colorado ahead of you.
The best place for this kind of interaction is with a group of people. Go see a movie with some friends and talk about it afterwards. The easiest way to find out what people think is to ask them. Present your own thoughts back, and next thing you know, you have a conversation going. There is no need to be forward or pushy about your opinions, just honest and forthcoming
Just because you have feelings for someone does not mean you have to jump right into dating. It is much easier to go from being a friend to a girlfriend than the other way around. You may run the risk of ruining a perfectly good friendship by immediately assuming there is something between the two of you. Waiting a few weeks, or even better, months, you find out if there is ever going to be anything real with this guy.
You must understand that you are not running a race. Even if you are the last one of your friends to get married, does that matter as long as you know you have found the right person? Of course, I would surmise that jumping at every opportunity will actually slow you down. Take time to smell the roses. I know that sounds trite, but hurrying through life will only leave you tired. You met this guy, and you like him, so talk to him, get to know him, but do not leap into the dating mentality. If he is also interested in you, he will be patient. If he does ask you to dinner or some other date like activity, by all means accept, but be sure to tell him you would like to wait and see for a little bit longer. The best things in life are always worth the wait, so slow down a little bit and see what is coming around the bend.
Emma
The best place for this kind of interaction is with a group of people. Go see a movie with some friends and talk about it afterwards. The easiest way to find out what people think is to ask them. Present your own thoughts back, and next thing you know, you have a conversation going. There is no need to be forward or pushy about your opinions, just honest and forthcoming
Just because you have feelings for someone does not mean you have to jump right into dating. It is much easier to go from being a friend to a girlfriend than the other way around. You may run the risk of ruining a perfectly good friendship by immediately assuming there is something between the two of you. Waiting a few weeks, or even better, months, you find out if there is ever going to be anything real with this guy.
You must understand that you are not running a race. Even if you are the last one of your friends to get married, does that matter as long as you know you have found the right person? Of course, I would surmise that jumping at every opportunity will actually slow you down. Take time to smell the roses. I know that sounds trite, but hurrying through life will only leave you tired. You met this guy, and you like him, so talk to him, get to know him, but do not leap into the dating mentality. If he is also interested in you, he will be patient. If he does ask you to dinner or some other date like activity, by all means accept, but be sure to tell him you would like to wait and see for a little bit longer. The best things in life are always worth the wait, so slow down a little bit and see what is coming around the bend.
Emma
Monday, January 12, 2009
Yes, opposites do attract
There is an old adage that opposites attract, and it is very true. Now, this doesn't mean that as the die-hard liberal that you are, you should look for a man at a Ron Paul rally. You should always look for someone who has the same basic ideals as you, but who has a complimentary personality. Are you impulsive and outgoing? When you begin a relationship with someone who is the same, it will undoubtedly be very exciting at first. When you want to blow off work and spend the day relaxing and spending time with him, he will be excited to have found someone who loves adventure as much as he. Before too long however, this spontaneity will begin to wear, and you will find yourself late for work and in a bad position with your boss.
You need someone who will look at you like you're crazy when you want to play hooky. He is the stable force you need, and conversely, you are the exciting vibrant and compulsive person he needs. This is true for almost every aspect of personality. Are you Shy? Find someone who forces you out of your comfort zone. This is however, a sliding scale. The shyer you are, the more outgoing he needs to be. But, as you approach the middle ground (you aren't the most outgoing person ever, but you don't have a problem meeting people), you and he should find yourselves to be similar.
For example, I am an outgoing person. I always have been. My assumption was that I needed someone who was quiet and would let me do most of the work in a conversation. As I got to know more and more people however, I began to realize that the men who I thought would be good for me were far too introverted. I simply could not carry on an interesting conversation with these people. I have changed my stance on what my perfect man is based on this, I needed someone who is a little bit closer to me on the scale. So think about your extremes. You should look for someone who has the opposite extreme. This certainly doesn't apply with every part of your personality, but should be considered when looking for a life-long mate.
Emma
You need someone who will look at you like you're crazy when you want to play hooky. He is the stable force you need, and conversely, you are the exciting vibrant and compulsive person he needs. This is true for almost every aspect of personality. Are you Shy? Find someone who forces you out of your comfort zone. This is however, a sliding scale. The shyer you are, the more outgoing he needs to be. But, as you approach the middle ground (you aren't the most outgoing person ever, but you don't have a problem meeting people), you and he should find yourselves to be similar.
For example, I am an outgoing person. I always have been. My assumption was that I needed someone who was quiet and would let me do most of the work in a conversation. As I got to know more and more people however, I began to realize that the men who I thought would be good for me were far too introverted. I simply could not carry on an interesting conversation with these people. I have changed my stance on what my perfect man is based on this, I needed someone who is a little bit closer to me on the scale. So think about your extremes. You should look for someone who has the opposite extreme. This certainly doesn't apply with every part of your personality, but should be considered when looking for a life-long mate.
Emma
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Taken, handicapped, or way out there? Hardly.
So, there you are, 25, good looking, smart, and the only one of your friends who is still single. Frustrated, you whine about how all the good men are taken, and spend weekends in bars and clubs trying to meet the perfect man. You go out on a date or two with some guy you met, maybe it even lasts for a few months, but before to long, you find yourself single again because it just wasn't working out. Out you go again, this time it's the new guy in your apartment building who helped you scrape off your car that snowy day. But he turns out to be a little bit too friendly with all the other girls in the building, and you break it off, wondering where all the good men have gone.
Truly, they still exist, but you just can't get to know them. The way we go about meeting people is fundamentally flawed. We seem to have some bizarre expectation that people we meet and begin to date after our first few meetings have a chance at being our soul mate. This is very much like looking for a needle in a haystack. While certainly, every now and again you hear of people who have met and live long and happy lives together after such a meeting, the probability of this happening is very low. It forces us to stumble through, meeting a huge number of people before we finally happen upon the right one.
This long process is what ensures that you are still single. You have simply not come across the right person yet. You have two options at this point, you can either continue on this path, and hope that you come upon your dreams before you turn forty, or you can change your strategy for finding them.
There is nothing wrong with going out to a bar with friends, or even meeting people there. The problem comes when we begin to date the men we meet. I know that sounds a little bit counter-intuitive, but wasting time with men who aren't right for you is nothing short of stupid. The first thing to understand is that it is very important to know what you want in a man. Make a list. Seriously. Does he have to love dogs? What if his religion is different then yours, can you live with that? Sit down for a while and really think about what you want. Be honest with yourself and don't romanticize, tall dark and handsome is not for everyone. Don't date people who don't fit the majority of your list. It's as simple as that. Can't live without your dogs? Well then, go places where you know other dog lovers with be. Don't waver on the most important things on your list. You will only end up being hurt when serious issues arise in your relationship that could have been avoided by knowing what you want in a man. So, take a deep breath, and quit dating every cute guy who asks you. Give it some time and find out if he will really make you happy before you plunge into an emotional commitment.
Emma
Truly, they still exist, but you just can't get to know them. The way we go about meeting people is fundamentally flawed. We seem to have some bizarre expectation that people we meet and begin to date after our first few meetings have a chance at being our soul mate. This is very much like looking for a needle in a haystack. While certainly, every now and again you hear of people who have met and live long and happy lives together after such a meeting, the probability of this happening is very low. It forces us to stumble through, meeting a huge number of people before we finally happen upon the right one.
This long process is what ensures that you are still single. You have simply not come across the right person yet. You have two options at this point, you can either continue on this path, and hope that you come upon your dreams before you turn forty, or you can change your strategy for finding them.
There is nothing wrong with going out to a bar with friends, or even meeting people there. The problem comes when we begin to date the men we meet. I know that sounds a little bit counter-intuitive, but wasting time with men who aren't right for you is nothing short of stupid. The first thing to understand is that it is very important to know what you want in a man. Make a list. Seriously. Does he have to love dogs? What if his religion is different then yours, can you live with that? Sit down for a while and really think about what you want. Be honest with yourself and don't romanticize, tall dark and handsome is not for everyone. Don't date people who don't fit the majority of your list. It's as simple as that. Can't live without your dogs? Well then, go places where you know other dog lovers with be. Don't waver on the most important things on your list. You will only end up being hurt when serious issues arise in your relationship that could have been avoided by knowing what you want in a man. So, take a deep breath, and quit dating every cute guy who asks you. Give it some time and find out if he will really make you happy before you plunge into an emotional commitment.
Emma
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